This blog gets a super big heading because it’s just that important!
In my distress I called upon the LORD, And cried to my God for help; He heard my voice out of His temple, And my cry for help before Him came into His ears.
This was the hardest thing I’ve ever gone through.. ever. I even lost a baby at 7 months pregnant, but this – it almost killed me.
No one can even begin to even imagine what this is like. You just don’t know until you go through it. And telling people “just hold your baby and love him” isn’t going to help. It’s not about that. It’s not that we don’t love our babies. It’s hormonal – something you can’t control – but most undoubtedly controls you. Like a cancer running through your body.
It started when I was 6 months pregnant . Well, I noticed my hormones were a little on the max setting before that… I didn’t realize at that time what was happening. I knew I was getting angry way too fast, that my emotions were all over the place, that crazy thoughts were replacing lucid ones. Then I googled – thank you google! Just knowing what was going on was beneficial, but how to cope? I want you to know that it was a living hell. I became very, VERY suicidal, even while pregnant.
CRAZY EXAMPLE: My hubby went to Germany to visit his dying dad 😦 . While he was there my mind (with a little help from my silly teenage daughter) convinced me that his Gypsy family kidnapped him, brainwashed him to hate me and that he was never coming home. Seriously, that happened. It was terrible.
After I had the baby it just seemed to get worse. I was so suicidal that I already knew how I was going to do it. I was ready. So why didn’t I?
Prayer. Through this I learned what REAL LIVING PRAYER is. I tell you it is powerful. It is only because of my prayers that I lived another day. I called out to my fellow Christian friends and asked for prayers as well (thank you so much!) But it was when I was in the shower and alone (I have kids) on my knees crying, calling out to God to save me from myself that I felt His presence and hand keeping me from taking my own life. My prayers were IMMEDIATELY answered. Every single time. He knew I needed Him, right then, at that very moment and He was always there. If God is not real then I would most assuredly be dead right now. I have proof, I am proof. I have felt His presence and seen my prayers answered. I remember what He pulled me out of.
Prayers saved me. But how did my depression go away? One day I was just pacing the house, I knew I needed something in my life. God placed my previous midwife in my mind. So I texted her and asked if she was doing any bible studies. She told me she wanted to start one with a certain book. She Shall Be Called Woman: Victoria Botkin’s Study of Practical Wisdom From Scripture for the 21st Century Woman.
So we started a bible study together using that book. It was amazing! It took so much burden off my shoulders. And being able to get together with a wonderful group of Godly women really fed my soul. My depression was gone. GONE! My hormones just corrected themselves. My body; mind & spirit were healed. Such an answer to prayer. I loved that book so much that I immediately started my own bible study group with the ladies of my church. I could read that book over and over. It is a blessing. I suggest all women get it and study it!
I have to give a shout out to Lauren Daigle! Her music helped to pull me out of the dark many times (actually daily) !!! She is so inspirational, I love the fact that her lyrics are biblically based, they feed my soul and for that I am grateful. ❤ ❤ ❤
I didn’t tell my husband or anyone what was going on at first. I should of, but I was a afraid and still unsure of what was really happening. Towards the end I did eventually tell him because it had gotten so bad I was afraid he was going to leave me (praise the Lord he didn’t!) I am %100 glade I finally told him because he was able to help me through it, and I wasn’t alone anymore. God put us in pairs for a reason 😉
So to all you current pregos out there. Be careful. Take care of yourself. PRAY daily for yourself and your family. If this happens reach out for help. You are not alone. It’s not you. Its hormonal. I will write a blog soon about how I managed my gestational diabetes (through diet) and was able to still have a home birth.
Write me if you need more information or advice. SEEK OUT HELP NOW!
On a weird side note: I do believe that this opened me up to being possessed or tormented by a demon – though sometimes it sure felt like a legion. Not the whole Exorcist movie thing. But a for sure struggle within me. I was unable to control my thoughts, I could not tell what was real and was not. I herd messages in songs that others couldn’t.
I was watching a sermon by Doug Batchelor and he was talking about it. And I realized then what was happening to me, and why I was feeling attacked. I listened to that sermon so intently; praying all the while, asking for freedom from it. Afterward I felt at peace like they had gone. My battle was step by step like this. When I asked my Christian friends to pray I felt it. I had gotten a little better. Sometimes God uses all His people to show us we need each other. It was the whole body that worked to heal me. Never underestimate your prayers. And never underestimate the enemy either – he is always working to. That is why there is so much bad in this world. We must never tire of doing good, and never stop pushing forward.